Nigmabox Rundown (3/15-3/21) Obey The Rules of Nature or Die!

1 P4G looking at the sky and being with a bro summer spring nature this is the life of greatness so let's just get things back on the par of excellenceFor whatever reason I’ve been feeling very tired on weekends lately.  I it probably to do with how I get about six hours of sleep three days a week, seven on the other two, so I am just sleep deprived and sit at home instead of going out to a place where I have a designated objective.  However, that means I do not want to write during the weekends as I feel out of wack, which is just fan-tucking-fastic for my series of novels that I should finish before I die in… five years or whatever the life expectancy of Millennials is.  I think it’s 27… Also the weather has been dumb and I guess I may be too shit to defy nature… Plus, I’ve got allergies, but they’re just getting their troops ready for inter-bodily warface

So, the big fish that got stuck in everybody’s pants and began either eating or massaging their genetails was the fact that Nintendo is going to start making games for smartphones… kinda.  They are teaming up with developer DeNa, who will make the games while Nintendo plans and gives them the go-ahead.  They will have access to all of Nintendo’s IPs, Nintendo will be launching a new “platform” by the name of NX.  Whether this will be a proper console, handheld, or whatever will probably be shown at E3, but I don’t know.  They will also be moving to the modern era of 2015 by launching a new membership program that covers smartphones, tablets, PCs, the (New) 3DS (XL), and Wii U…2 HeroJob Now everyone go and clap a lot because you need cheer in your life

I actually view this as a good sign all around, as Nintendo will be getting more money and will likely be trying to ensure that the mobile games they put out are of a certain quality, and more people will possibly branch away from phone gaming and over to Nintendo hardware, which would stir a massive erection in many people’s pants.  Although, the hardware announcement is far more troubling, as I realized that I have not liked a piece of Nintendo hardware since the Gameboy Advance SP.  Why?  Well, I am an incredibly old man when it comes to the ways a person should interact with a game, and am bitter to the point where touch screens as a concept for anything annoys me when you could have buttons instead of a screen that you are encouraged to destroy with your filthy human oils.3 BTM You're Human Garbage Shit Worthless

Hell, I have a copy of Majora’s Mask 3D sitting on my tissue table, but refuse to play it on my NIntendo 3DS, because that glossy failure does fills me with spite whenever I turn it on nowadays.  Oh, and the Wii U is based on a gimmick that sounded conceptually cool, when really the gamepad should have never been made, and any games that Nintendo makes for the system which make use of the gamepad are the opposite of future proofing, just like almost every game they made for the Wii.  Seriously, to hell with every game interface that doesn’t involve a screen and a commonly accepted form of user interface such as a controller or keyboard and mouse.  I’ll accept arcade sticks, as they basically are controllers and are functionally the same, and VR headsets are optional peripherals, which is fine.  Well, unless they cannot be played without a headset, in which case I’d call you a shortsighted fool.4 Zvezda Insolent Wretch know your place you dirt licking fool boy

On an unrelated note, Kojima’s probably leaving Konami after MGS V.  Yep, Kojima Productions’ name is changing, Kojima is no longer a Konami executive, and he may just be working as a contractor until the game is finished.  Wonderful!  I love Metal Gear quite a bit, but I would love to see what Kojima can make when he has two million bucks and ten guys to help him out, because it would likely be pretty amazing.  Alternatively, I’d gleefully give in $50 if he turns to Kickstarter, which is always a possibility- Wait, wasn’t he also working on Silent Hills?  Hm, I kinda hope he stays to finish that off only for Konami to then kill the franchise out of spite.  I mean, Metal Gear will live without Kojima.5 SCD Kojima Snake Metal Gear

On the subject of dead franchises, you’d recall the announcement of Conker appearing in Project Spark, right?  Well, as of this April, Conker will be in Project Spark, and I really don’t think that he looks very good, sounds very good, or the creators properly get what made the character so appealing.  I may be wrong, but I’d hold off on getting excited.  Also hold off on the idea of Driver becoming a nifty high speed water based racing game, as that totally plausible turn is only for Phones and Tablets, meaning Ubisoft will probably ruin it with microtransactions.6 MLM You're a bad person Piss off Go Away

You know what will not be ruined by Microtransactions?  Phantom Dust, because the game is cancelled, and looked pretty nifty, which is a shame.  However, it was going to be mostly the same game, so perhaps just re releasing the original with no new features would suffice- oh, wait, that is pretty amazingly hard from a technical standpoint, isn’t it?  Well, remasters are not particularly hard, which is what Sony is doing for… God of War III?  Really?  I thought that most people were thoroughly done with the franchise after Ascension’s tepid reception.  Ah well, at least Gravity Rush will be getting the HD PS4 treatment, I just hope there is an option to remove all of the motion control based stuff, as it instantly turned me off to the game when I gave it a try on my Vita.7 Yamada I'm so happy glad joyful what huh how sad blissfully depressed and filled with sorrow what the fuck

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