E3 2014 Conference Rundown: Goodbye Despair, Hello Eighth Generation(?)

Fuck E3

It is rather pointless for a little slice of nowhere blog with only a small number of views to do a summarization of the E3 press events, especially when they were not watching them live due to real life events, such as work. But I got home to catch the latter two, and catch up with the former before Nintendo did their event and managed to get everything done before Tuesday’s end… well after everybody and their brother did their own version of this, and often far better than my assorted ramblings that are made all the dumber by the insertion of anime screencaps. It’s Nigmabox’s third annual Super E3 Rundown!

M0GUP Tank Cakes They are badical cute

With the Xbox 360 being my primary means of playing games from 2009 to mid 2013, I naturally had to give a toss about the company at some point in my life, and very much did. However, due to getting a swell head, Microsoft had been doing a lot of drastic changes over the past few months in order to make their $400 a better one than Sony’s or at least at the same level aside from physical dimensions. That said, why do I care? Because they do some third party non-exclusive stuff and if Dead Rising 3 can come to PC, my primary means of play, why not  mystery game Zed?  And as a side note, can everybody make up their mind about what the Xbox One abbreviation is going to be?  I have problems with calling it the One and X1, as the former is pretentious and like buying a happy meal in order to justify one’s own happiness, and X1 is used in other places involving entertainment.  XB1 and XBO are far more acceptable, except XB1 implies that it is the first, and condensed One into the number 1, which they’ve never done before.  While XBO is fun to pronounce as X-Bo or just X-B-O, and goes back to the original Xbox’s abbreviation as XB.

M1Henneko All them women are bitches order them around at the cafe duchamp

Phil Spencer begins the show by name dropping the other two of the big three while saying they exist to provide games to people… making him the best guy to be presenting a MIcrosoft E3 conference by a long shot.  Hell, he openly admits to devoting the conference to games while going through games in a somewhat linear order in regards to release dates.  It’s a shame they went immediately into Call of Duty afterwards, resulting in something I thought was cool, but, as is a major theme in this post, I am disinterested in multiplayer in its every shape and form.  Yet the minor concern that is the single player certainly looks more fun than the pretty Forza Horizon 2 they showed off.  Say the same thing about Evolve, as it is dependent on teamwork and the like, making note of how I like the underlying concept and hope it is the best before moving on.  Also, can we please stop using one word names for things?  Not just video games, everything.

M2KLK Tired of empty claims and endless boasting you are nothing but a pathetic lair so shut up and go to floor suck dick in dirt

Assassin’s Creed: Unity is next on the list, and hearing them speak of the quantity and number of, well, things in the game hardly gives me confidence that the game will be well built, and instead built mediocrely all around as is the case with many Ubisoft games I have played as of late.  Even if it looks to have some of its metaphorical shit together, I have nothing but a lack of faith with the one year cycle, especially if there is another game to exist alongside Assassin’s Creed: Unity and its multiplayer shenanigans.  Dragon Age: Inquisition, which was and still is my most anticipated AAA title of 2014 lacks those shenanigans, as it is instead shown as a vibrant looking game that I would very much like to sink my teeth it… except I don’t like Origin.  I do like the colorful and frantic antics of Sunset Overdrive, even if the gameplay shown looked very much staged and its tone doesn’t seem to be hitting the mark I feel it should.  Yet it is Insomniac making something they want to make, and it is Jet Set Radio X Zombies Ate My Neighbors.

M3PGOS The Path of hope and joy happy

Cue the exact goldarn opposite and you get Dead Rising 3… except it is a silly arcade adventure full of silly mini-games, co-op, and cosplay.  In other words, they fixed the game and released the buyable patch, now with 300% more fun!  A fate Harmonix cannot have after being screwed by Microsoft’s removal of Kinect, resulting in Dance Central: Spotlight being a download only title, while Fantasia cannot afford a trailer.  In fact, neither can.  Fable Legends can, and it does so to create something that somehow looks cheap despite its very detailed models… yeah, the character archetypes, premise, and writing were not covered by the budget either.  Oh, but there is a companion app the demonstrator is aroused by, despite how you are effectively screwing with your friends.  Yep, whatever fondness I had for the franchise has been sent into space, where it died.

M4Nyarko You're Too Good Born Ahead of Time Why You Die

One awkward bit of stoners being stoners later, Project Spark was shown off once again, which I still am very hesitant toward having any faith in… or would be until they showed a few wonky looking creations that do not resemble the original concept footage in the slightest.  Oh, oh, but that was not enough as the trailer ends with Conker coming out of the trash bin Microsoft put him in for the past few years, and openly says that Microsoft haven’t made a game with him for ten years, and says the players need to make their own with this toolset… My anger being clenched like the world’s tightest butthole saide, Microsoft was able to fund a lovely looking 2D platformer adventure that uses a nice mix of colors, both light and dark, in a fairly familiar quest for friendship involving a sick thing needing to be saved by its small buddy.  Ori and the Blind Forest will hit PC in a few years or months, and it will probably be worth picking up.M5SDC I want some death today so die please and be happy

What won’t hit PC, and I do not even want to hit PC, is the Halo 5: Guardians, a game I “surprisingly” have zero interest in after going through Reach a bit and finding it to be alright, simply alright.  Oh, but Reach is not included in The Master Chief Collection of the first four Halo games that is coming to Xbox One in what had to be a very annoying port job.  Oh, and liar points for talking about Halo Nightfall, a television show.  Yet that only makes the transition into the Limbo developer’s next game, which is a far more colorful and technically intensive, though it would be hard for the opposite to be true, with the simply named Inside, coming to your PC, Mac, or LInux machine in a few years.  M6KS Abortion Rude Bitch Ass Prick

Okay, okay, at least MIcrosoft is trying with their ID@Xbox which sounds to be nice to developers and the start, which is something of an impressive line-up of PC ports, with Cuphead standing out to me as I hadn’t heard of it until seeing it and instantly falling in love with everything but the fact the quality of the video looks terrible due to stylization.  Although, and I may just be forgetting something about its development, but what the hell is Hellraid doing on the list?  Techland’s making it!  I’m not saying it should be on the same level as Rise of the Tomb Raider, a game I hope delves into the mind of a murderous psychopath who is okay with her actions and even enjoys the art of murder in holiday 2015, but won’t.  Actually, two Tomb Raiders were unveiled with Lara Croft and the Temple of Osiris being a successor to the similarly constructed Guardian of Light.  Much like with its AAA sister, I found the preluding game to be problem filled, this one being more dull and uninteresting as I slogged my way through attempting to get the goodies… which I wrote out before realizing they were the same problems.M7Yamada Kun to 7 nin no majo God Life just sucks depression emo bitch faced sadness and anger why you fuckhole

I also thought that The Witcher 2 had, well, more problems than Tomb Raider 2013, so my thoughts towards The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, are less than stellar, as its revised gameplay systems will do nothing to help a story I simply did not find interesting, starring a cast and world who I felt apathy towards as a rule.  Gameplay does seem very solid, but just looking at the game’s cutscenes gives me mildly upset flashbacks.  Instead my attention is held solely by the ever rumored reboot to the classic Japanese role playing action title, Phantom Dust!  It was a CG trailer that revealed little to no details about what this reboot would do or be, but whatever, they’ve got plenty of time for that.M8KLK IN Ten End Money makes the world go round and if you don't like the motivation fuck ya'll cuz I dunt give no shits

The Division also has plenty of time to stew, with the premiss beginning to sound shaky and staged gameplay being what the title must be judged on.  It actually is fairly believable though, as it is just going through an awesomely destroyed NYC filled with snow and rubble paired up with murder.  Something that sounds awful in reality, but so does the player dialog as it makes me loathe the idea of multiplayer as I imagine a world where humans spoke like they did in this trailer.  But all of that can go screw itself because Kamiya is on stage with his prophesied and awkwardly introduced Scalebound, a dinosaur hunting action game starring some dude with headphones and can fight dragons by becoming a reptile person…  Yeah, as long as it isn’t designed like a standard Platinum game, I will be all over its juicy gonads.  M9Watamote I've got friends in high places, eh bitch

I would also be all over Crackdown 3, as it is a bright and shiny sandbox game set in the future while being a super powered hero who likes to break things for his or her own personal enjoyment.  So basically Saints Row 4, but with less humor and Gen8 graphics.  Unfortunately, that is all I would be all over, as… Microsoft actually had a pretty quality showing this year.  While I did expect a couple other announcements and the sort, the upcoming library does have a few standout titles, some of which I would have naturally liked to see more of, looking at you D4, but it was a far better show than expected.  That said, it was hardly spectacular, but there are four more to go

E0KLK The Face of the rich game industry and AAA development sure this money hungry mofo is a kind bitch

I’ve honestly done some thinking, and I don’t believe there are many EA games that were not made by Bioware, which I enjoyed. I’ve tried Dead Space, Mirror’s Edge, Brutal Legend, and so forth, but the only title aside from a neat Star Wars one they could pull out, a rumored Mass Effect Trilogy Generation 8 upgrade, and Dragon Age:Inquisition, which is among the few AAA titles that keened my beans.E1Watamote This IS The Face of Apathy and dull meh

My beans were wet as I was reminded that EA did have a face, one whose voice sounded like it would sell me as a sex slave after pulling a Master of Martial Hearts on me.  Hell, his dialog and face only increased the level of sin I assumed lied within his surprisingly sexy bum… what?  I can’t be fully mean to everybody!  Gotta compliment the nice asses when you see them.  On in the case, don’t!  I did, however, see the Dragon Age: Inquisition bit, where the gameplay did seem a little bit jumbled, but hey, it’’s got four more months to bake.  What would not be cooked is the characters, as they are likely fully voiced at this point.  Shame that they sounded greatly cliche and are possibly far too numerous to receive the care Bioware is known for… damn, I am the ultimate devil’s advocate, even when it upsets me!E2KLK Forgiveness is desired please offer it to me I am so sadden by this turn of events

I did always like Mass Effect more in just about every way, so it is a shame they only have conceptual pieces for the eighth generation.  Bioware does thankfully appear to be assembling a decent idea of what to do and taking their time with crafting something special, and they seem to hope to do that again with a new IP we shall likely hear nothing of until a year from now… but that’s where my interest died.  The Sims 4 looks like a cliche filled and vibrantly soulless… thing that happened to be almost gross in how it was presented.  It is weird, but does not let you keep people in your basement and turn them into skinsuits your mind controlled persona can wear… What do you mean I am missing the point?  I say you are missing the point of being a god!E3Hagaani Well that was a god game sarcasm

For the sake of my own enjoyment, I will skip past the sports stuff as whatever I could say would be something I do not feel like saying.  I do have more things to say about Criterion’s new IP, which was made by a bunch of drunks who are at the point in development where they cannot show much textured gameplay.  Still, it involves vehicles being vehicles and massive gorgeous environments, both of which are pretty alright if you ask me.  It’s certainly nicer than what I would say about MOBAs, as I do not like playing games with human beings and as such care little about Dawnguard… sorry, Dawngate.  I also didn’t like Mirror’s Edge, so hearing about them merely talking about the game, color scheme, and the freedom of movement once again impacted me like a ball made of cotton.

E4KLK Balls lots and lots of balls hitting a girl in the face shock and awe

It is unfortunately a theme that I’ve got with much of these conferences, as I knew that I would not like Battlefield: Hardline the moment I saw the leaked gameplay a while back.  I like the concept of cops and robbers fighting in intricate environments, I just do not like interacting with strangers, let alone while doing something I view as very personal.  Though, I will say that this game kinda made me wish that I wasn’t such an asocial prick, and the whole Beta giveaway is neat while mean to the game industry professionals in the audience.  At least they got to play the game right afterwards, leaving everybody else with no stinger reveal or anything on that level… Yeah, I’m pretty apathetic about this whole presentation, not even going to do a proper conclusion as I expected only one more thing that I’d care little about.  Hell, why wasn’t the Star Wars Battlefront trailer shown?  That at least looked nifty!  But no, instead is a conference that I’m going to join everyone else in calling poopy.

U0Haganai C'est si bon! Awkward Sex Viewing French France

…I genuinely think the only things about Ubisoft that I actually like are all made in the UbiArt engine. I tried Splinter Cell: Conviction for some reason, Assassin’s Creed IV, Far Cry 3, and even its oft praised spin-off, Blood Dragon, but didn’t quite enjoy any of them. That, and their manner of constructing large open worlds is nothing short of aggravating to a man such as I, who by law must aim to 100% every game he beats or she shall get the brain disease.

U1KLK Crazy Insane Nuts psychobreaker cool your jets loverboy no time for anger when reason is nearI caught the conference at the reveal of Far Cry 4, and I met with an almost complete 180 of opinion as the gun filled military shooter it looked to be gave way to an antagonist who may be worth the price of admission alone… only if he tries to have sex with the main character though.  Not even because of design, I just like an antagonist who fucks the hero in the butthole.  A concept that I caught wind of in the incipit comments massive streams like to have for a reason I cannot comprehend, as the audience was greeted to the same host as the prior two years, where she as a whole was better than the jagged and filtered memory of her that is in my mind. The mind that forgot how Ubisoft owned and would naturally present Just Dance 2015, causing me to get some dinner.  I did return to catch Just Dance Now, a theoretical party service that will synch up any internet connected TV with any smartphone and let everybody party on or something.  I am not opposed to the concept, do what you want and all that jazz, but sending out fifty people to dance at a video game show simply seems odd to me.U2PGOS Suspicious Hm Odd Possible

At least it led to one of my favorite transitions of the show as The Division was shown off one again.  In the form of a dark and heavy narrative driven time lapse of a New York City apartment, displaying a level of hardship and drama I honestly do not expect from any game that has a companion app.  But at least the world now has another short CG film that can be viewed as something beyond an advert… at least until they brought out the pyros and began treating the main character like an objective saint, when I think it’d be neat to play as a moral less psycho in this destroyed world.  The Crew followed up, in the form of the absurdly ambitious sounding nationwide, loading free, MMO for the Gen8 systems.  I actually do like the idea if you remove the driving and online, but hey, at least there is a lot of pretty scenery to look at as the game undermines its scope by doing a time lapse.  Also, who wouldn’t want fast travel in a game like this?  I’d take loading screens over not having that ever useful superpower.U3P4G Tsundere incarinte shut up you stupid jerk I do not love your nice juicy cock

Oh, but they then explained it was part of a two hour long mission, which sounds incredibly boring and repetitive to me, but they emphasized community, so it is an objective fact that they will live up to their word.  Actually, they have been holding competitions across the world and are doing a sort of competition while doing extensive playtest, which sounds neat despite how I do feel that its November 11th release date will be filled with bugs.  Much like every city was in the eighteenth century, along with rats and likely urine on the stone streets.  This transition is obviously to the Paris based Assassin’s Creed Unity, which teased me about playing as an eagle only to reveal a bunch of anarchy while playing yet another slow and sorrowful cover of a classic and fun song.  I will, however, say that I found the CG trailer to also be well done, as is the case with most of them nowadays, but I know Assassin’s Creed can and will not be as detailed or intricate as the CG depicts it to be this time around… that, and the gameplay looks to be more suited for those with ADHD or ADD.U4WataMota All a lie illusion upset face

Sorry, I probably have Asperger’s and do not have the Aspie ticket I am trying super hard to get from the Aspies store, but ACU’s gameplay is seriously looking to be filled with too much side crap, not enough meat for its plain oatmeal. Though, I though far less nice things than I will say about Shape Up, Ubisoft’s next fitness game with Microsoft.  I will just say that the game looked like a fart in the wind, but then they devoted ten minutes to it, causing my head shaking to intensify.  At least they showed Valiant Hearts afterwards… It was woefully misplaced.U5MLM Am I The Weird ONe Wrong

What wasn’t misplaced was the final game, something that I lost faith in the moment I saw that it was multiplayer.  A swat and terrorists game that was intriguing as a concept as it had fully destructible environments, high reliance on teamwork and a level of strategy. through an incredibly staged series of dialog… I really wanted a 2D Prince of Persia of a Beyond Good and Evil 2, not Rainbow Six: Siege ‘cos it is not my style!  In fact, that descibes this conference as a whole, and makes me ponder why I even pay attention to Ubisoft… aside from how I’d like Beyond Good and Evil 2, a 2D Prince of Persia, and maybe another Rayman.  I simply dislike their AAA teams’ philosophy and do not find any of their franchises appealing because of that.  Does that make the conference bad?  Nope.  It’s just not my cup of tea.  They had Valiant Hearts, but it comes out in two weeks and hardly needed the nod, while also flooding a month in Q4 with their titles.S0KLK A Shirt is riding a dog fuck you that shit is awesomely weird fuck yeah

I’ve only recently purchased my first Sony system in the form of my very expensive Vita that I bought before the second generation came out in fear that it would be a bad “upgrade”.  It wasn’t and now I do regret my actions, but I’ll wait it out until the third generation machine is nice and cheap, even if the system’s surface is not made to be touched by human beings and demands a MIcrofiber cloth and screen protector to properly be played.  Oh, and the PS4 looks really rad, but I’m certainly in no rush to buy one as many of the Indie darlings, meaning nearly all of them, are on PC as well.S1MLM It is okay Stay crunchy

That is not where things began, however, as it started on Mars!  Mars means what exactly?  Destiny, a game that I saw leaked alpha footage of and was almost put to sleep.  Yes, yes, the game’s look is appealing, but the story’s emphasis on prophecy and, well, Destiny lessen the space fantasy I was originally interested in the game for.  I also am antisocial if you cannot recall, I shall skip these parts, landing me right into The Order: 1886’s pants, which are stiff and grey as the game looks to have gone the horror route as well as the shooter route… Yeah, no thanks!  I destroy the atmosphere of most horror games I play, and grey shooters are the least appealing thing in the industry.S2P4G Getting a little drunk from all the pink enough of this boring grey bullshit it is pooper in the butthole

What is more appealing has to be their next game, Entwined, a game about two souls who may never be together and must be controlled with the dual analog sticks in what is looks to be a run of the mill indie game.  But hey, it’s available tonight for the few reviewers at home.  Soon, meaning August,  they will have things like Infamous: Second Son DLC, under the name of First Light, or if you can wait until winter of this year, LittleBigPlanet 3, a game whose live demo filled me with glee to see as the game came out of nowhere and introduced mechanic after mechanic in what may be an over complication of a good thing.  However, the fact that the demo went poorly actually inspires much confidence in the game for me.  Oh, but please don’t lie next time Media Molecule… you said you wouldn’t be at E3!S3SCD Isn't that cool awesom great radical stellar

Tone shift into Bloodborne, the ever elusive Beast Souls that people have been fapping to for the past month because it looks awesome!  I mean it, the game looks to be gross, dark, and dripping with personality… It’s just a shame that it all had to be GC after their WebMs leaked… and, it makes me hope the game is not too hard when it launches in 2015.  Launching in 2014, however, is Far Cry 4, a game that was shown in both conferences, and looks expectedly gorgeous while including a grappling hook.  Shame the gameplay looks so similar to part three, as I did not like that aspect above all else.  Oh well, at least other children can play outside while I am quarantined, especially with the drop in drop out co-op which people don’t need to own the game to play… Who am I kidding, the game actually looks freaking awesome!S4KLK Edgier Than the edge of fuck awesome badical bitch nigger

Sony then misinterprets Zombie criticism and offers people a new Dying Light– sorry, Dead Island 2 trailer, where the game looks like a colorful zombie romp- hold that, the gritty reboot to Zombies Ate My Neighbors that we all wanted… Actually, Yager, the people behind Spec Ops: The Line appear to be doing this, so I guess there is reason to be excited.  Same thing for whatever Paradox does, I guess, who kindly made a live action trailer for Magicka 2, which involves an unemployed wizard killing a cat.  That is great, but everything can go screw itself because there is a Grim Fandango remastering on its way with the help of Sony… Everybody, myself included, lost their minds as it was announced for PS4 and Vita!  What didn’t make me lose mine was how Devolver Digital was continuing to make radical looking games that would be on Sony systems exclusively for their console debut, including The Talos Principle, a game I think was just announced and know little about from the trailer.  But exclusivity can go hard, like Suda 51’s next game, which looks to break his fixation on colorful games, as Let It Die looks to be something I do not understand while not wanting as it will likely be a multiplayer shooter… Or maybe a bit of commentary asking for people to let the kind of game it is imitating to “Let It Die”.  Oh Suda, you so clever.S5Boku wa Mari no Naka Context lesbain bed sex norway impossible what the fuck hell

You know what does look rad?  Abzu!  A game about undersea exploration in all its forms while maintaining a clean, distinct, and very pleasing art style that looks to age extremely well.  Good on you, Giant Squid, and your “console” debut.  Just make sure you keep the gameplay fun.  What else looks rad and is made by indies, but looks like it isn’t?  No Man’s Sky, making its console launch debut on the PS4 and looking really, really, really good!  I mean, it has goats, dinosaurs, orange grass, space ships, exploration, discovery, and giant monsters who want to hurt you because they’re jerks!  You can then go into space where you fight bad aliens who are poop heads while majestically soaring through the vibrant violet background onto a lovely new planet of an entire different primary colorful in a gorgeous title I can only hope for the best as it represents so much of what I love about video games.S6Nyarko Let's just fuck of love violate sure whatever

I would be tempted to say that Project Morpheus is the opposite, but I have yet to try it, and the system does look like a neat peripheral that does not necessarily cripple a game with its absence.  Although the new CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment America did the same, if you replace game with conference, with his very nervous performance… which was the beginning of an otherwise great demo reel of games into being something far less favorable.  While examples of how Playstation Plus, PSN and PS Now can be great, it led to a very… lack of care in its view of the Vita, citing only three game sit has, two of which are multiplatform, and then announcing the Vita TV, rebranded as the Playstation TV.  A device I would love if they gave it Dualshock 4 support, and lived up to their promise of most of the Vita’s library being compatible.  Hell, they brought up Vib-Ribbon, the least they could do is put it on the Vita!S7SF Wuzzat sorry I was busy eating flowers no mean to shock your balls off dawg peace out I am high as shit

Nope, the AAA needs attention in the form of Mortal Kombat X’s gameplay, which looks lovely in terms of visuals while the new character designs look just stupid enough and well designed enough to tickle my special spot.  Still not too keen on that violence… or that gameplay because I am bad at the fighting games.  Although, it is still a game, as opposed to their announcement of a December bound Powers TV series… Yes, I never heard of Powers either, but it sounds like a pretty neat idea, just not what I expect from a video game convention… it is seriously the most dead air I’ve ever seen at what was before then an A press conference.  At least do a game tie-in, because that’d be neat!  Like you are with the Ratchet and Clank film, which will launch with a remake of the first game for PS4 due out in the first half of 2015.  Also, The Last of Us looks great as a PS4 game.S8KS Toxic Armory Monsters Sexy Random

A new trailer for Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain was shown, with my reaction being a mix of utter bliss and simultaneously enormous fear as the game is being built up to the sky and will likely be a forty hour tale of rape, redemption, self loathing, demonization torture, death, racism, child abuse, cloning, murder, and hopefully, hopefully, and not a lot of massive stupidity on par with a giant whale made of fire.  This was followed by an announcement of Grand Theft Auto V for PS4, meaning I shall finally be privileged to play it this fall as the PC release is also happening.  I could say the same for The Phantom Pain, as Kojima himself said he wanted that to happen, yet as the cross gen was getting a bit overbearing, Batman: Arkham Knight came with a lovely looking gameplay trailer, where it looks to be a slick and exploration filled world where you may control a tank.  Why?  Because it looks like fun, and springing out of a moving vehicle and being shot into the air is just too cool to not implement into your wet open world video game.  It’s a shame it “broke” in what I hope, I really hope, is the game being guised as a glitchy title at first in order to get away with more psychological manipulation than Arkham Asylum.  But that is not the end, as Sony decided to go out with an expected bang in the form of Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End, the final installment in the series as it will supposedly take Nathan Drake on a road of self discovery and introspection… because that is Naughty Dog’s thing now.  No more fun for you, ‘cos Drake’s gonna die!S9KLK Huh what explain yourself to the misplaced child in a world of grit and thuggin about

There was no doubt a massive dip near the latter half of the middle as their new CEO popped in to detrack the games centric presentation that was looking to be one that I very much enjoyed despite not having all my dreams answered.  Still, the library was massive and the show ran far longer than it should, so I guess asking for them to at least show relevant Vita titles is asking a bit too much, isn’t it?  Actually, no, but they know VIta buyers stay in the loop and couldn’t be bothered to whip up another montage for them.  Hell, you could have at least mentioned The Last Guardian after the hubbub the game caused.  Also, have they even mentioned Shadow of the Beast since last E3?  …Yeah, you all forgot about that one, didn’t you?N0KLK Cute fun happy times with an elephant and bath swim time joy adorable

I’ve got 21 Nintendo posters in my room… I also have Pokemon plushies, a Gamecube carrying case sitting on a shelf, and a 3DS I actively do not want to turn on as it feels like crap next to the Vita, which has a radical screen at the very least.  If these companies were wives I could have, Microsoft would be divorced in five years before I realized we were on totally different wavelengths despite her claims it can work.  Sony would be a stable, and still loving working woman who would only bring with regrets about what being single would be like.  EA would be a gold digger or trophy wife, caring more about status and wealth than actual friendship.  While Ubisoft would always try, but neither of us know how we got this far other than how she is occasionally amazing when she does a certain thing.  But Nintendo?  They are the ultimate Waifu now and forever.  Sure they may do some scummy moves now and then, but at the end of the day they come home on time and leave you satisfied despite how we both have problems in our decade old relationship.  But hey, we got to the double digits, and we sure as heck can make it work for another decade… The funny thing is that I wrote this bit on the fifth, not when I was tired and filled with happy energy.

N1Inside Mari is the ultimate Waifu you fuck face

Unfortunate for Nintendo, three of their big surprises, a Star Fox Wii U title, Project Giant Robot, and Project Guard, were leaked by Time earlier in the morning, but they were oddly not even mentioned in the actual conference, which is a theme for a lot of the cool stuff they did have to say.  As for the actual conference, it begins with a Robot Chicken skit involving Reggie killing an audience member before running away, leaving the real Reggie to fight Iwata in… what is the best non game thing I’ve ever seen in a press conference, when really it was just to announce Miis for Smash 4… which is pretty cool when you think about what that will bring, especially when you can customize the characters pretty extensively, and include your dream characters as long as they are humanoid.  Smash Brothers 4 is being sold as having a massive amount of content and things to do from minigames, single player content, and character customization.  Coming to 3DS October third 2014… what?  N2 CoffeeWiz What a moe shocker no reason

Nintendo WFC, amiibo figures were then explained as being data storing small statues that would interact with a variety of different games, though the exact details were very scarce in the actual digital event.  It was later explained that the figures actually would train and grow to a higher level by evolving a unique moveset and series of tactics the game may or may not be able to craft dynamically, but I suppose it will need to be judged when we can actually sit down and judge it.  Yet it is not limited to just Smash Brothers 4, as Mario Kart 8, Mario Party 10, and other games will use the same figurines, which sadly do not look as nicely painted as I hoped.  Oh well, still probably going to buy a bunch of them even if I don’t think Nintendo is fully clear on how they will use them.N3 SCD I don't care if it is sudden, you jerk be nice

Reggie then spoke about the games he very much loved back in the day, acting as a transition to showing developers talk about other games for the rest of the show, starting with a bunch of old men in a yarn store.  This naturally leads to Yoshi’s Wooly World, which is an exploration heavy title that is pretty much the most visually appealing title in a show of very pretty games, and is added to my list of reasons to own a Wii U, as its fully 3D crafted arts and crafts reality is something I’d like to observe in glorious 1080p.  I suppose Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker is also very visually appealing, but the fact that it is a puzzle game based on and made from assets from Super Mario 3D World, leaves me curious if this will make much of a dent as it launches this holiday season.  I guess I’d need some friends first, who can get drunk as I play as Bowser in Mario Party 10: Bowser Party.  A title that I want to criticize as it encourages being a jerk to your friends, but the fact it is Mario Party lessens that, as it is the game’s underlying purpose.  But I guess one will figure out when it launches next year.N4 SNAFU Bitch Nigger I have a fang fuck off because I am a happy little joy duck yay

Also coming then is the next Zelda title, which did not receive any specifics dropped, just word that the game would have a certain visual style, be open world, and have a more feminine looking Link for this Wii U title as opposed to an actual female one.  I am hesitant to say much as the in-game cutscene did little to convince me that the game had gameplay backings, but I am glad the title is taking such a colorful approach to things.  As I love colors, with Ruby and Sapphire technically being ones, while the gemstones and Pokemon games, particularly the remakes are far more common usage.  Saying it looks like X and Y is a quick way to describe it, and accurate as the assets look the same, with trainers being represented by concept art once again and models being the same aside from some mega evolutions already revealed.  I wish I could say it would be an excellent birthday present, but the game does not come out until I am twenty on November 21st.  N5 PGOS Sexy Birthday Party Time

I would accept a DVD of the delightful Robot Chicken interludes the conference is built on, but I guess Bayonetta will have to do, as it is coming with its sequel, Nintendo costumes in tow as part of a very neat move that will certainly make every CAG (Character Action Game) fan happy.  I don’t know if the unmentioned Wii U exclusive, Devil’s Third, will do the same, as it looks a bit manic, rough, and very much like what I’d expect MIcrosoft to pick up, not the big N.  Oh, but from what I can understand of the CAG fans, they dislike Muso games, or rather Warriors games, which Hyrule Warriors actually does not look to be all that reminiscent of.  Its gameplay seems dynamic, characters unique as Zelda and Midna were both introduced along with a “lot” more, and the game looks fun enough for me to consider picking it up well after September 26th, because who buys games brand new nowadays?N6 P4G Society is full of ADD cannot pay attention next new trend popular latest next generation video games

Well, I would need a Wii U first, and both the sequel to Kirby’s Canvas Curse, Kirby and the Rainbow Curse, which looks to be a colorful rainbow romp that I do hope is not stretched into the two hour mark, as I feel Kirby does not hold up well when that happens.  With the other rising all-star being Xenoblade Chronicles’ successor, Xenoblade Chronicles X… yeah, the title is very lame.  Yet the gameplay shown afterwards and the trailer shown during the conference left me confident that the game will rock my socks off if I get it in 2015, same with Kirby and Mario Maker, a title many thought to be fake upon a leak, but is a real toolset for creating classic and modern Mario levels.  With the in betweens likely being added as little nuggets of tasty infos for all those retro fans out there… Not Retro studios, who did nothing at this show.N7 SCD It is worse than I thought this bad thought never

Nintendo did still do things before ending, such as announcing Splatoon, their debut third person multiplayer shooter, which is all about a bunch of squid people spraying a battle zone with ink.  A description that actually does sound very dun, and sets it apart from just about every other multiplayer shooter, that has the dimwit to think shooting means guns, and not things that do not shoot bullets.  In fact, aside from Bayonetta, no guns were shown, as a nice change of place, and there were female characters such as the new Smash character, Palutena!  Whose reveal trailer was both exciting as she looks really well equipped to fight, while offering teases at a Smash Brothers anime that will never happen.  Much like a NIntendo E3 Conference with Fantasy Life shown, as the lovely title was given an October release window and trailer after the proper presentation, same with Professor Layton Vs. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, except giving a full date of August 29th.N8 Unknown You were so cool that I almost came cum masturbation radical badical

Hell, they continued with announcements including one that Gamecube controllers are back for Smash 4, there is going to be a Mario Vs Donkey Kong for Wii U, and the very announcement of Mario Party 10 and Devil’s Third.  Hell, Star Fox wasn’t even shown as well as the two prototypes Miyamoto has been working on, while there is a new 3DS game they are saving for later on in E3.  It makes it very hard to judge Nintendo’s showing, as they very much dismissed a lot of what they have to show, even though their event could have consumed easily twice of the 47 minutes it settled on.  Now that I am done for E3 conferences, I can finally die in peace.  Electric Nigma will return… in E3 2014 Rundown: The Mopping of Lost Souls.N9 Elfen Lied Dead Little Girl

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