Thoughts on the PlayStation 4 Announcement Conference

As just one of the near millions of chumps who are trying to be topical about the video games, it is my birthright to talk about every major event in some way, shape, or form.  Or whenever I feel like it.  Sony had some big thing about a new console, so I might as well toss in my two cents into the 5 ton jar of pennies that is the internet.  Written when I had an hour to burn.  But not enough time to bother with pictures, because I’m already thinking this was a bad idea as I’m posting.

Let me begin with, “good snippering pickled geese” in regards to the actual presentation.  Sony’s conferences oft carry the air of a man whose head is trapped in office supplies, and desires to also not tell you crap.  All while tossing about rubbish that makes the medium look all the worse.  A war on reality?  Did anyone proofread that?  Well, they didn’t notice how the Vita was more of a cliff note than anything.  Saying that you’ll talk about something later at a press event just makes you look more incompetent, especially when you’re ignoring your struggling handheld.  But we can wait until later this year, I guess.

At least they had the decency to have a game designer of thirty years do the talking about this magical PS4 thing.  Tossing about specs that mean little other than its not an arse to make games for, sorry Bethesda.  And there will be an expensive controller, because of touchscreens and motion tracking.  Both aspects that I believe were tossed in to give everyone a new Playstation camera to screw around with.  Seeing as how many people loved the first two iterations.

Sorry, am I too bitter?  Well, they have a game that looks like a Pixar movie from 2009, so I’ll shut up.  It’s called Knack, and was revealed via CG, only to have gameplay of a robot made of shapes walking around a city, as they talked about how the system will make the PS3 look like turbo-rubbish.  Boasting features such as background downloads, to streaming demos, and instantly playable downloads, which can be installed to a hard drive as you play.

You can instantly record and upload gameplay as well as online streaming from the console itself.  Hell, your mates can even take over your game is you’re rubbish at it.  They even promised instant start times, and how you can pick games right back up form the second you left them.  A feature that is actually pretty radical.  Because if there was anything I’d call the future, it would be next to no loading times.  Wait, they didn’t mean that?  Well, it’s still nifty!

However, there is also a bunch of social junk,  with plans on incorporating your real life persona in a move that makes me want to facepalm.  I understand wanting to be integrated, but no one wants to put up a facebook-esc profile on their gaming system.  They have phones for that.  Although, the online is boasted to be far smoother, and the game will provide suggestions based on your previously played titles.  But I need to ask why exactly it is important.  But I am yelled at for not asking strangers how their day was, so I’m a bit socially confused according to the mighty powers of lord Chungus!

They punted Nintendo’s bum by having the Vita be a Wii U gamepad, now if people would actually buy it.  At least they promised streaming games while having no backwards compatibility.  With the streaming part implying that it would be for not just the PS4, and for pretty much everything.  Which devalues the product without that exclusive factor, which it followed by some dry looking games.

Killzone: Shadowfall!  It looks pretty, but is mostly just another FPS with guns that look like candy dispensers.  But really, that skybox is incredible, good job modelers!  Drive Club!  A social racer that looks as appealing as driving a real car, based on a dreadfully small first person view.  Granted, the whole team aspect is keen, but it exemplifies the problem of everyone trying to be something that will last for months, when most games rarely last for two weeks.  Hell, I know games that people clear through in a weekend, boasting a 20 hour campaign.

Infamous: Second Son!  Argh!  Sorry, just needed to exert some disappointment.  Effectively axing my excitement for a more colorful game era, taking a T rated super hero sandbox and making it about security and government control, after a series that I heard to have an excellent ending.  Instead just looking gritty and desperately mature, because that is what you’d want the makers of Sly Cooper to be doing.

“Sorry!”  Sony exclaims.  “Here’s Jonathan Blow, who hates being up here, but we’ve got a timed exclusive!”  The Witness was pretty much the best looking game of the conference, adopting a simple art style, and very condensed world that looks to be an excellent game, if only in theory.  I say that, because it looks calming, but is 25 hours long.  And it is a puzzle game?  It will be interesting upon release, but I’m guessing it will be able to be run by nearly anything due to the simple art style.

And to counter the indie developer, Davey Cagey was brought out to talk about emotion, subtlety, intensity, polygons, emotion, diversity, emotion, magic, reality, and emotion. And to show us an old man’s face, which is smack dab in the middle of the uncanny valley, seeing as how he looks like he will bite off every face in the world.  Because, it is as fo the PS4, that games can truly be art!  Davey Cagey said so, because we’ve broken past 30,000 polygons, and now have 200,000 or something like that!  Graphics truly makes all the arts!

But it was only the second most horrifying bit, after the makers of LittleBigPlanet showed a 3D modeling project with the move, which was the least fun looking game to ever have me burst out of my room in confusion.  It is some sort of musical puppet opera controlled with the Move controller.  I want to touch it, but I think it’s made of spiders, and they want to eat my skin.

Not that my brief madness could not be fixed by Capcom’s Deep Down, which looks like the worst parts of Dark Souls and Dragon’s Dogma, with a heavy coating of grey.  Which makes me wonder why people care about a title I find to be as repulsive as they come.  Well, except for Squeenix, as I will adopt calling them.  Having taken an E3 demo and put it up to show the PS4’s power, despite being a prerendered cutscene.

Not that there was much left, over 50 developers showed “interest” in the system, but considering the system will launch this holiday season, the launch was lacking.  Even after showing Watch_Dogs and Destiny, two multiplatform titles that will be for both current and next gen systems.  Exclusive content or not.  Both of which look cool in their own rights, but they will still be games I could get if I really, really wanted to, without needing a new system at all.

If I sound like an ungrateful bugger, I am.  But this was just more of a prelude to what the system could be, and it gave me more reason to look over it, than to increase interest. Leaving a box without many exceptional titles, and costs that will probably be too high for two years.  And stuff like Witcher 3 is hardly enough to keep me- What’s that?  PSN titles won’t carry from the PS3 to PS4?  Okay, it’s horrible!  And not blocking used games doesn’t mean jack!  Egg on your face for being so dumb as to make your last generation impossible to run on your new machine without streaming!  Criminy, how bad will Microsoft’s showing be after this?  Well, they were on top without doing jack, so I’m guessing that, “worse” is the most accurate answer.  No, I don’t care if I’m in the minority, I was not sold!

…Wow, you read that?  Here’s a Better Abridged Version.

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